coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
