Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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