Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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