No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
