I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
