final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
