i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
