At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
