tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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