I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
