You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
