Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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