Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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