Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
