All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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