im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
