I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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