I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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