The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
