I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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