ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize