The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
