i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
