NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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