Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize