Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
sex in a hospital.. check
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
