hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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