Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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