hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize