my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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