You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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