I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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