i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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