I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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