remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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