I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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