I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
