They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
