Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
