Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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