Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize