Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
