I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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