chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
