All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
