they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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