Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
