not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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