Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
