Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
