she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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