well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
