My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
