But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
