I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
