My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
