I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
