I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
