My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize