Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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